bookcase

i haven't blogged over here since 2008... my current girlfriend is not dinah... i must change the description over there on the right...

ok so this happened on monday night & tuesday night of last week...

it concerns the bookcase that is directly to the right of my bed...

i wake up in the middle of monday night & most if not all of the wierd & heavyish objects that had been on top of the bookcase are now around me on the bed... one of them has hit me in the forehead... i don't know which one...

the bookcase is now at an angle, pulled over but unable to fall because it's wedged against the bed... some books that had been loosely in the bookcase (on top of other books) have also fallen off... all the normally packed books & a glass which is on a lower shelf... remain where they should be...

the object hitting me in the head seems to be what has woken me... i have no memory of the dream... i am pretty scared... adrenalin is flowing through me as i carefully push the bookcase back vertical and place all the heavyish objects on the floor...

they are:

2 volume pedals,
a valve distortion pedal,
a rack MIDI unit,
a piano sound module (GEM),
a synth module (DSI Mopho),

i must have pulled the bookcase over but as i say i don't remember the dream...

it takes me ages (2 hours or so) to get back to sleep, my tuesday is sleep deprived & odd...

on tuesday night, in my dream, i'm stood up on the bed & i pull the bookcase over again to the same point... i am happy with the way that it comes over... i wake up standing & quickly push the bookcase back vertical... i go back to sleep easily & sleep well... no further things fell off the bookcase...

x

attacked

creep was on the telly last night, and i watched it, from about 15 minutes in...

it had a really horrible bit in it that was unnecessary i felt but other than that it was alright...

dinah was curled up next to me when i started watching it but once someone's throat got cut she left me to it...

anyway she had a bad dream in the night and i was holding her and comforting her, i must have woken and i was dropping back off to sleep when she hit me...

just lightly i think but it really shocked me and woke me up again...

and here i am...

6 in the morning x

dawn project

the clocks went back to GMT a week or so ago and it means that my dawn project is back to 7:30, i guess i haven't mentioned it before here but i've talked about it on my other blog, so forgive me for not going into the details...

the important thing here is that i have to be up filming @ 7:30 am and so i try and get out of bed for 6:50, which would give me enough time to drink a cup or tea, but since the clock's changed i haven't got out of bed before 7:05, throw on clothes and get out of the door...

anyway i teach afterwards in hammersmith and i find that by the last lesson of the day (that i'm in right now, my students are preparing for an assessment as i write this), the lack of sleep from the night before really catches up with me and it comes out in different ways, generally a lack of patience but also today i kind of dreamyness... last week my 1st class of the day was overtaken by my laughing... not too bad but really a good night's sleep before hand is what i need...

so last week and this week the pressure of needing a good night's sleep got in the way and i didn't get as much as i needed...

last week i went to bed @ 10 but i woke up around midnight via a dream in which i woke up in between a black man and his son... i apologised quietly to them and went to get up without waking the son and it gradually became apparent that it was a dream, and i had that adrenalin that waking from those dreams gives me, i couldn't get back to sleep...

i could hear dinah's breathing really loud in my ear and i was half asleep and everything was distorted and i was getting angry about not being asleep and how loud her breathing was... eventually i got some perspective and got out of bed to synthasise for awhile, returning to bed a little later to a relatively easy sleep, but i'd lost a few hours...

last night i didn't get to bed so early, it was after midnight when i got in and me & dinah talked a little while anyway, so let's say i got to sleep by 1, i woke up through a dream of moving things... when i woke in the morning i'd shifted a small mirror in my room... then at points every few hours thinking it was 7...

anyway just pointing out that wednesday nights / thursday morning are a time of disturbed sleep for now...

x

still here

haven't posted for awhile even though the violence continues, nothing huge, the pattern is that i wake up and dinah is upset so i hold her to calm her down, but what has upset her is my holding her really tightly in the first place, in my sleep i'm saying "it's alright, i've got you" and this is what wakes her up and upsets her, by the time my waking self comes along it's all over, and sometimes i don't even wake up, last night apparently it happened and i have no memory of it...

i'm trying to persuade her to get a google account so that she can post to this blog, as she knows more about it than me x

attacking dinah again

i was dreaming that a bright green light was spilling onto her head, and it was like a cup of hot tea... i knew i'd fucked up letting it hit her like that, so i was trying to to get it off her...

she said one hand was lightly at her throat and the other was holding her arm really tightly, so tightly that she was dreaming that my nails were drawing blood... (they weren't)...

she tried to push me away but to no avail so she slapped me in the face...

this must have woke me up but i don't remember it...

i then spent the next who knows how long holding her and soothing her...

similar deal to last time... upsetting...

eyes fly open

as suggested by spski, although he didn't mean a blog, he just meant i should write it down, but this is more me...

this blog is entirely about when i attack dinah in my sleep - as happened last night, so i can check back later on... look for patterns...

so the date and time will be the time of the event rather than the time of posting, for example i'm writing this @ 21:13 sunday night but this will be posted with the time of 1:00 am sunday morning because that's roughly when it happened...

i had been already asleep when she got into bed, i'm a little beset by a cold/flu thing at the moment and i went to bed before she got in from her dad's last night... so she was awake when it happened...

she says she was looking at me and my eyes flew open and a nasty look appeared on my face.

i grabbed her throat with one hand and pushed her head down onto the pillow with my other hand, she says she didn't want to hit me to wake me up, i told her she should hit me to wake me up - although a better way of doing it might be nice...

i have no memory of any of this,

she said this carried on for a little while but then i pinned her arms to the bed... this is where i started to wake up...

i thanked her (i remember this - i don't remember what the dream was but i remember that she was resisting me and that i was firmly holding her and thanking her)

grdually i woke up... then spent the next 10 minutes or so comforting her...

retrospective violent toward things

(taken from this post in my regular blog putting this here on friday 13th oct '06)


oh and one more unrelated thing - (or is it?) -

i woke up last night to dinah upset, couldn't work it out at first but it turns out i'd pulled her pink plastic venus de milo over, along with the mirror behind it and i was violently tugging on a fluffy thing that is pinned to her headboard...

not violent towards her but violent towards her belongings which does freak her out...

so i spent a good 10 minutes soothing her which is no bad thing, mulling over yet another violent sleep thing...

?

x

1st one (retrospective)

i wrote this over on deoxy the night after i'd attacked dinah for the 1st time:

last night in my sleep i attacked my girl...

and yes tonight i've drunk & smoked more than maybe i should of,

but last night in my sleep i attacked my girl...

she woke me up with a slap in the face, and my first words to her were...

baby, did you hit me?

to which she replied... yeah well, you started it..

last night in my sleep i attacked my girl, and though i found it funny enough when i talked about it with her today, i am not asleep right now, i've got to get up for work in about 4 hours...

it's not the only thing going on, and maybe once i've posted this i'll go up there and put my arms around her and drift into beautiful slumbers...

just marking this place for myself...

keep it unreal

x