dawn project

the clocks went back to GMT a week or so ago and it means that my dawn project is back to 7:30, i guess i haven't mentioned it before here but i've talked about it on my other blog, so forgive me for not going into the details...

the important thing here is that i have to be up filming @ 7:30 am and so i try and get out of bed for 6:50, which would give me enough time to drink a cup or tea, but since the clock's changed i haven't got out of bed before 7:05, throw on clothes and get out of the door...

anyway i teach afterwards in hammersmith and i find that by the last lesson of the day (that i'm in right now, my students are preparing for an assessment as i write this), the lack of sleep from the night before really catches up with me and it comes out in different ways, generally a lack of patience but also today i kind of dreamyness... last week my 1st class of the day was overtaken by my laughing... not too bad but really a good night's sleep before hand is what i need...

so last week and this week the pressure of needing a good night's sleep got in the way and i didn't get as much as i needed...

last week i went to bed @ 10 but i woke up around midnight via a dream in which i woke up in between a black man and his son... i apologised quietly to them and went to get up without waking the son and it gradually became apparent that it was a dream, and i had that adrenalin that waking from those dreams gives me, i couldn't get back to sleep...

i could hear dinah's breathing really loud in my ear and i was half asleep and everything was distorted and i was getting angry about not being asleep and how loud her breathing was... eventually i got some perspective and got out of bed to synthasise for awhile, returning to bed a little later to a relatively easy sleep, but i'd lost a few hours...

last night i didn't get to bed so early, it was after midnight when i got in and me & dinah talked a little while anyway, so let's say i got to sleep by 1, i woke up through a dream of moving things... when i woke in the morning i'd shifted a small mirror in my room... then at points every few hours thinking it was 7...

anyway just pointing out that wednesday nights / thursday morning are a time of disturbed sleep for now...

x

still here

haven't posted for awhile even though the violence continues, nothing huge, the pattern is that i wake up and dinah is upset so i hold her to calm her down, but what has upset her is my holding her really tightly in the first place, in my sleep i'm saying "it's alright, i've got you" and this is what wakes her up and upsets her, by the time my waking self comes along it's all over, and sometimes i don't even wake up, last night apparently it happened and i have no memory of it...

i'm trying to persuade her to get a google account so that she can post to this blog, as she knows more about it than me x

attacking dinah again

i was dreaming that a bright green light was spilling onto her head, and it was like a cup of hot tea... i knew i'd fucked up letting it hit her like that, so i was trying to to get it off her...

she said one hand was lightly at her throat and the other was holding her arm really tightly, so tightly that she was dreaming that my nails were drawing blood... (they weren't)...

she tried to push me away but to no avail so she slapped me in the face...

this must have woke me up but i don't remember it...

i then spent the next who knows how long holding her and soothing her...

similar deal to last time... upsetting...